Pale
by summonershion69
Summary: In the pursuit of the future, it is important not to forget you are alive even when it seems there is nothing left. Shionchaos. Keeping to my tradition of naming stories after songs


It was not a good night for Shion. In order to slow the spread of madness, Shion lived each day with the sole aspiration of making it to the next. She had to block the big picture out; her world was about her. The daily things became everything to her. She had to awaken right at the tone of her connection gear. Meals had to be carefully planned and prepared. Shion performed her duties aboard the Elsa with deadly accuracy. To her shipmates, observing her was like being back at the Second Militain Zoo. If everything got done, it was a "good" day. If Shion thought she dropped ball in any area, it was a "bad" day. As even the Captain was quick to catch, this system was terribly flawed. Shion was a work-a-holic. Nowhere in her sea of "good" and "bad" was there the smallest island set aside for recreation. Shion lusted after her goal. She sought Lost Jerusalem- not an extended meal with her friends, a demonstration (read battle) of the latest Giant Robot, or even an evening alone with Allen. If she slowed down, reality would catch up. Shion swore to keep moving; accelerating towards an unknown shore- alone- her friends left struggling to stay afloat in the choppy water of her wake.

Shion stood staring at the stars through the Elsa's front window. Sleep was a far-off fantasy. Of the thousands of specks of light that glared back at her, she only cared about one. The star would look like every other from their distance; it was burning, spinning and pulling- nothing out of the ordinary there. Nevertheless, it was indeed unique. In Shion's book, said star held the record for largest gravitational force. She hadn't the slightest idea where it was, but it was yanking at her, dragging her across an uncharted void. The exact location of her final destination was a trifle as compared to the prospect of actually reaching it. Each day Shion studied the stars, looking for planets that could support life or suns that matched that pattern plotted out in the Y-Data. Busy work as she was sure that when the time came her internal buzzers would be deafening. The computers beeped, all systems were running perfectly. The night crew- Hammer, Mary and Scott had drawn the short straws- reclined in their seats each participating in a silent contest to look the least bored. Shion would have won had she been eligible. Each mile, each second, each breath brought her closer to her last stop- To the time when she could finally leave this whole nightmare behind.

Finally after Shion was sufficiently convinced the vacuum wasn't going to suddenly change colors, she departed from the bridge. She made it a habit not to remain in one place for too long. This ship wasn't home anymore. Just she had ceased seeing Second Milita as her home as soon as she grew up, Shion had moved on. Or in this case was moving on. The Elsa was more of a moving truck. The vehicle that carried the last of Humanity's belongs to its new home. Why get settled in when any day now they'd just have to repack? Shion wasn't going to waste any time. She could go a little while without all the comforts of home.

The Elsa still looked the same as it did since its last remodeling- a relic from a finished chapter in Shion's story. She took it as an insult. Was she to assume her memory was that bad, she needed a constant reminder? Aside from the bridge, her cabin and the restaurant were Shion's favorite haunts. Anything below the elevator was forbidden ground. Those rooms served Shion no purpose. They had been useful in their time, but now they just took up space since they were much too large to smash into a can on garbage day. If she returned to her cabin, she would have to be quiet- not really a burden as she rarely spoke anymore, but all the same, she would not be alone. Shion had enough thoughts to make up for lack of any actual company. She chose to take a seat under the computer table. From so close to the ground her surrounding finally changed. Hell, she had the best view of the floor in the house- not that she really wanted to see it, but the floor was just kind of there. Shion turned her head to look at a nearby corner. Of course, there was nothing but dust there- the bots were apparently lazy. What did she expect to find? What did she ever hope to find? Obviously something so wonderful it was worth all the heartache of the search. Shion tapped her hand over her chest- a promise to dear friend.

When they left, they took a good chunk of her heart with them. It crumbled away right as she thought she had found some stability. All the gravity in the universe wouldn't be enough to pull her heart back together. Yet even with that chip on her mind, she sped forward obeying the laws of the universe wordlessly. As always, she would keep trying. There was always that fragment of hope that this would the last time. It would end as soon as that planet filled their view screen. She would be home and home is where the heart lies.

Where all their hearts would find peace. Were they waiting for her? Hopefully, they had more interesting scenery to observe as they sat idle waiting for the rest of the pieces to fall into place. Well a whole planet had to be more entertaining than a ship. Even if said ship did include Captain Matthews and the other assorted characters Shion ran into in daily life. The crew wasn't complete though. Ask anyone who was there from the beginning and they'd agree with her. One could say there was just a tad bit too much order. Granted he couldn't cook for anything, but the added "chaos" was far worth it.

The ship flew onward. Shion chugged down her chosen course propelled by an undying energy in heart- the only force that kept her from losing step on these "bad" nights. Her promise was the blanket she snuggled in when her hopes seemed frozen and her mind seemed utterly isolated. Her heart was drifting away; her will returning to the place it belonged. They were going home- heading for the one place they could relax after the ultimate bad day.

Shion left no rock unturned. She made them- whoever was working when Shion got particularly apprehensive- scan around every star and behind every other celestial body; even those that weren't large enough to conceal even the tiniest of space junk. Excessive failure couldn't dent Shion's will. She would not have any more "what- ifs" on her mind. If she stopped trying, it would be a great excuse for her lack of success, but the universe needed results not cop-outs. chaos needed her to find Lost Jerusalem not sulk in a corner cursing her rotten luck. Sulking definitely wasn't out of the question though; Shion was human after all.

Footsteps passed Shion's hideaway. She held her breath; this one would be hard to explain. She could only see one pair of shoes, but she vaguely heard two voices, most likely Mary and Shelley. Shion sighed; if someone had to catch her pouting like a lost child, she would choose them for the job. Not that Shion really expected anyone to approach her. A very awkward conversation would follow her discovery. A conversation no one really ever wanted to have. Shion didn't really have anything left to say. The first night after the Elsa left her mind had made sense of everything that happened. Any new words would ruin the ending…she was sitting right in the middle of a long, boring intermission. There'd be plenty of time for dialogue once the action started again. She would have to wait- exactly what she was doing right now. The voices around her dissolved but the feet didn't walk off. Shion crept a few centimeters forward, her curiosity having gotten the best of her. Sure enough, Mary and her sister stood a few feet from the table watching her out of the corner of their eyes. Shion immediately drew back. They were obviously talking about her, pointing and laughing. Shion pushed the scene from her mind. There was nothing wrong with her; she was doing everything she should. It wasn't her fault if her shipmates were more easily distracted than she was.

"Shion. Don't freak but we know you're there. Please, Shion come out and talk." Shelley stuck her head under the table. Shion pressed her palms against the floor. Now she was trapped like a rat except she wouldn't get the cheese. "Allen said he would talk this one out with you…not that we don't trust him, but we thought it would be better if we girls had a heart to heart chat." She offered Shion a hand. Shelley wasn't showing her distraction tonight…

"I'm fine Mary, Shelley, but thank-"

"Maybe fine in your book, but I think it may need some editing." Shelley's face was too happy. Shion couldn't help but wonder how long this escapade had been planned out. She didn't make any sign that she was going top get up and she didn't plan on it anytime soon. The smile slipped from Shelley's face. Obviously, their plan had had some flaws in it.

"How about we come to you then?" Mary appeared next to her sister. They crouched down and sat in front of Shion. Shion twitched- suddenly it seemed ridiculous to be sitting under a table.

"What's on your mind?" Shelley asked her hand was hovering dangerously close to Shion's knee. Shion met her eyes. It had only been a matter of time before the concerned friends offered their "help"…

"Nothing…I'm getting sleepy. I think I'll head-" Shion tried to crawl off, but Mary blocked her escape route.

"No, I think we need to address this now before it spirals even further." Mary's gaze stayed fixed on Shion. Shelley just nodded.

"Address what? Our mission? I've told you already, we're going to Lost Jerusalem. We've decoded all the clues we have. Now all we can do is wait…"

"So you're waiting down here?"

"It's as good of a place as any."

"Wouldn't you rather be with us?"

"Doesn't matt-" Shion paused. Truth was it did matter but not in the way Mary and Shelley hoped it would. "….er…"

"So explain Shion what are you waiting for?"

"Lost Jerusalem…"

"Yeah, we know that…but…we don't know how long this trip will take…and we only have so much time…and we're still alive Shion."

"This ship is most of what we have left- our friends, family, past, our home. You're not a stranger."

Shion let her body relax a bit. She crossed her arms over her knees and exhaled. Mary and Shelley's words were going in one ear and out the other. In her life, she had heard all the positive advice under the many suns. More people approached her asking what was wrong and pretending to care than she could ever remember. After it all, Shion learned to tune them out. The people who could really help didn't prowl around, staring her down. She wasn't an exhibit at a museum or a temperamental animal locked away in a cage for its owner wellbeing. Shion was a human with her own dreams and goals- goals that just happened to be the most important thing in the whole universe. She had no more words for anyone or at least until they understand this.

"Shion?' Mary asked in response to her blank stare. Shion said nothing nor moved a single muscle. If she didn't do or say anything, they would eventually give up. The sisters exchanged helpless glances. A few more moments of silence pasted before Mary and Shelley returned to their feet. Shion didn't shift until the sound of footstep and the rustle of fabric was far away. She leaned against the wall trying to throw herself back into her thoughts, but the interruption proved too great. Shion pulled herself to her feet. She stretched her arms and back to shake off the cramping that comes with sitting on the ground for extended periods.

The light in the women's cabin was off meaning Mary and Shelley either fell asleep very quickly or were hanging out in the restaurant- the second of which being the most likely. Shion slipped through the sliding doors. The air in the bedroom was cooler and crisper, a welcome change to the humid climate of the rest of the ship. She felt her way to her bed. The room was completely dark which Shion found rather odd as usually some small light blinked somewhere. Her bed was the same as she left it that morning, but it seemed cold and unappealing. A shiver ran down Shion's spine and her neck hair rose. Her breathing was still steady, but Shion was beginning to feel was if her mind wasn't getting enough oxygen. She clutched for the pillow that rested atop her sheets. If she yelped, her voice made no sound. Deciding she was far too exhausted to sit up another second, Shion lowered herself onto the bed. Shion didn't even have time to reflect on how sleep never came easy for her…

Wherever she was, it was incredibly foggy. The only thing even remotely visible was the thick layers of mist that sat around her in all directions. Shion brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. Her hands were numb; she only knew she had touched something because the hair no longer obstructed her vision. Instinct told her to run, but she couldn't feel her legs either. Her muscles no longer responded to their call. Slowly her eyes drooped though she barely noticed, since the world was already so dark. Shion was weightless as if she was becoming one with the fog. She was floating, rising above the impenetrable mist.

"It will be alright."

Shion gasped for air as if she had just returned to the surface after a long stay under water. She was hearing voices now…very soft, kind voices. A tear fell down her pale face. The tear was warm…Shion tilted her head so it rested against the hand clasping her shoulder. If she could only feel two things, his embrace and her own warm tears would top the list. He took her head in his hands and brought it up until it was level with his own. Shion couldn't look him straight in the eye - not without further breaking down. His eyes were translucent, sparkling despite there being no light source. Silver hair framed his glowing face. His profile exploded from the fog even though both were roughly the same color. Shion would have melted into a puddle and flowed off had he not been holding her so tightly.

"You weren't planning on letting go now, were you? The raging sea can only drag into its madness those boats which are not properly tethered."

"I…I….I'm keeping my promise…"

"And doing so a commendable job at that, but…Shion…"

Shion sniffled. His praise was the most wonderful sound in the world. He chuckled.

"You're still alive Shion. You should act accordingly." He winked.

"…Live...but no…I can't…my heart is barely beating anymore…I just want to sleep….sleep until I'm safely in the arm…" He hugged Shion closer with each word she stuttered. She was cold; he would bring her somewhere warmer. He swooped her off her feet and nestled her against his chest. Shion held her hand to her heart.

"Am….am….I dying? Shion's voice was weak as it left her quivering body. He shook his head.

"Is that what you want?"

"No! I want…well…I want to find…to see you…and…"

"You sound so uncertain Shion. It deeply saddens me to see you like this…"

"Everything will be alright as soon as we reach Lost Jerusalem. I'm not worrying about anything until then."

He stopped walking. Though they had moved many paces, the fog remained in place as think as ever. "Has time stopped for you then?"

"The middle is always the worst…"

"Caught in between the past and the future, we push the past off as a distant memory and hope for the future. In this thought pattern, we forgot where we are now- the people we could be with, the laughter we could be sharing, the pain we could leave behind, the sorrow that could be eased with a few words…"

"But there is nothing to do but wait and work. That's my reality now…I can't change the past. I can't take back the tears or bring-"

"You define your reality. If you say that there is nothing left than you might as well lie down and give up. If you resign yourself to misery that will be all you'll ever know. And that would be a very sad reality for anyone."

"Stop confusing me…I don't want to think that hard. I just want to do my part to make things right. It's not a matter of choice. I must find Lost Jerusalem."

"You can't get lost in a simple, orderly world."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where I'm going. I'm just not there…I don't want to repeat myself again."

"Does your world not seem different?"

"My world is different. It's empty, boring, sad since we all departed."

"And why is it that way?"

"Because none of you are there. There is nothing to do, but search and wait."

"Have you tried anything else?"

"I don't have to explain my life to you…"

"Shion? There are those walls again. Always up when someone tries to come visit you in your world. I've been knocking for ages and its cold out here. Can't you let me in?"

"Put me down. I can walk."

He obliged. The two figures stared at each other for a moment in silence. Both were thinking, trying to solve their problem, but the solution was nowhere in sight. Still it had to be somewhere, hiding in the blinding mist.

"Where are we walking to anyway?" Shion asked. Her legs didn't like the idea of just walking to more fog.

"Do you want an exit?"

"I don't even know where I am."

"I wanted to bring you somewhere warm- a place where you could rest without fear. That's where we're going."

"But I'm tired and my legs hurt…can't we-"

"The trip is hard. But the end is worthwhile."

"What are we talking about again?"

He laughed. "I want to take you my arms, Shion. I'd gladly shield you from the cold, but you're making it hard."

"I'm scared. I haven't changed at all…I can't stand on my own as much as I try."

"That's not true."

"Yes, without someone commanding my every move, I hide in corners."

"Did you stop and ask yourself why you were in that corner?

Shion shrugged. "Some new scenery?"

"Every inch of space you pass through is new."

"Yeah, but it's also all the same shade of black."

"Is everyday the same shade-"

"Well that tends to happen when there is nothing to do but work."

"And we are back at this…There are people reaching out to you. Open your heart, just a little and listen to me. There are things that are missing, wrong and shattered. I hate that I had to leave you guys alone to fight this battle but that is how it must be. As you should know well, you are never truly alone. You're desperately searching because of a promise- we all promised to meet again- that promise was forged from a bond stronger than that, which holds the universe together. We can take great solace in that fact as it is what will allow us to eventually reach our goal. Our hearts are calling to each other and slowly but surely, we are being dragged back to a time when we are one. It feels wrong now because we were not meant to stand apart. Bonds exist for a reason and things just have a way of correcting themselves. Nothing in its right mind would stay somewhere when they are uncomfortable. We want to be with those that make us complete. That is how things are meant to be."

"Meaning…?"

"Meaning it hurts to be torn from those you love and made to explore the void of space to find the missing pieces, but in the end it is worthwhile. You just have to fight a little while longer."

"I am. I'm not quitting my search. That was never my intention…"

"I know you will keep your promise…but you also must promise me you'll live in the present."

"But you're not in the present."

"I'm waiting. You're searching. I don't want to be here anymore than you do, but we are so why not make the most of it? And don't say cuz there is nothing to work with…"

"But there…"

"You can't be somewhere where there is nothing. You just can't. And you know what else? You never really lose anything. Things may change, but everything is still with you. You may not always see me, but you can feel me. I'm watching over you…"

"I don't feel anything…"

"Cuz you don't want to. You want to wallow in your pain." He touched Shion's check. She closed her eyes and rested her head against her hand.

"So you can feel me?"

"You're here…"

"No, I'm not. I lost my physical form."

Shion's eyes flew open. "So you're going to leave me again?"

"I'll never leave you, Shion. I'll always be with you though my form may change…"

"But I don't want that…I want you to hold me, to take my and lead me away from here…"

He smiled. "And that's just want I intend to do." His fingers weaved around Shion's and he tugged her forward. She stumbled forward. Her hand clutched as tightly as she could manage. They ran through the fog, eyes tightly closed.

"I'm not cold anymore." Shion screamed over the whooshing of the wind.

"You just gotta remain in motion."

"Is that the natural state of things?"

"Something like that. It all just kind of leads to the next thing. Once you start something you really can't stop it…"

"But you're safe if you never start it in the first place?"

"Boring much?"

"So is the universe chaotic or orderly?"

"Neither, we balance each other out."

"So then what is all of this…"

"Things falling into place. Correcting themselves in a way."

"Sounds like order to me…"

"Order born from chaos."

"I think I like chaos more…"

"I like you too."

"A lot."

"A bond strong than simply preferring one thing over another."

"Much stronger. More like absolutely needing to be with said other. Strong enough to make one willing to do anything to be complete."

He stopped running abruptly and Shion crashed into his chest. Before she regained her senses, he grabbed her in an embrace.

"We want to be together. Keeping us apart would be cruel. Let's say this is how we are meant to be…"

"I like the way that sounds." Excitement pulsed in his voice. Shion raised her eyes; finally able to meet his.

"It feels right. I wanted this…As I followed my daily routine, starving myself of affection and excitement I longed for chaos."

"Shion?"

"Yes, chaos?"

"You're glowing."

"Well, I held a lot of energy, feeling, love inside me…so maybe now that I can let it go…" Shion grabbed chaos' hands. "Let's spin!"

"What?!" Shion started twirling, pulling chaos along with her. He squeezed her hands so they wouldn't be ripped apart. Their laughter rang out as they spun around. As they sped up, it became increasingly hard to keep their balance. Still locked at the hands they tumbled to the ground.

"chaos! You're on my hand." Shion tried to pull her hand from under chaos, but he wasn't budging.

"I found it so it's mine now."

"Soooo I see." Shion tickled chaos' stomach with her free arm. "I found you so I guess you're mine."

"I recall discovering you in this foggy mess." Shion tickled him harder. "Shion stop…please...HAHAHAHA." chaos rolled around on the ground unable to control his laughter.

"Why should I?"

"Cuz you love me?"

"Nice try…." Shion leaned over him. chaos managed to gain control of his left arm and pulled Shion on top of himself. "Hi, chaos."

"Fancy meeting you here."

"What were we talking about?"

"No clue, but I know what we should discuss."

"Care to inform me?"

"I'd rather demonstrate."

chaos kissed Shion's lips. She went red- or redder as she had been slowly changing color, as she got closer and closer to chaos. He pulled her closer to him and their mouths met again but for much longer this time…

….The fog was gone. Shion and chaos lie in an empty field under a lone tree. His skinny arm draped over her bare back, keeping her close as they slept. The white moon shone upon them- their naked bodies appearing ivory white in the moonlight.

Shion opened her eyes slowly. Her head was fuzzy and she was almost surprised to find herself lying in her bed on the Elsa. She rubbed at her eyes as if she hadn't seen daylight in years.

"Oh my god, Shion. You're okay." Mary ran up next to the bed. Shion turned her head to look at the speaker. "You were like passed out…kinda freaky."

"Was I? I don't really remember…"

"But you're good now, right?"

"I feel fine..." Shion swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"Great. I was just about to go eat…Why don't you come too…maybe?" Mary's voice trailed off; she was so used to Shion turning them down that she wanted to stop herself from even asking. Shion smiled.

"I'd love that."

"What?" Mary caught her jaw before it completely hit the ground.

"I haven't eaten in awhile so can we hurry?"

"Of course." Mary walked out of the room. Shion hopped up and followed her out. As she crossed the threshold, Shion frowned.

"Damn…I never got the chance to tell chaos I loved him…" She chuckled at her mistake until her growling stomach reminded her of her destination. Shion pushed the night from her mind and ran off to catch up to her friend.


End file.
